The odds must have favoured Alex today because she was allowed to do exactly what she likes: unsolicited advocating and the golden one, talking. The card she wound up with was without a doubt a sign from the Universe, assuring her that it was okay to be crazy, crazy to the point of engaging a couch. Many of you tried guessing what my responses would be and while your guesses weren’t too shabby, I feel like the podium was meant for me, so here’s my piece.

Wehdon Alex

First of all, I must commend Alex for having recognised my mental stability and a lack on the Housemates’ front. Personify me a little, will you? I mean, with the steeped emotional rollercoasters that the Housemates have had to involuntarily endure, I’d be crazy and unstable too. Don’t get me wrong, my job is pretty simple really, positioned here and only moved when absolutely necessary. The Housemates on the other hand have had to carry much greater weight than I’d ever have to endure. I mean, give credit where it’s due.

Not Your Regular Couch

However, let’s not get it twisted. Like any self-respecting couch, I actually do like the fabric from which I am cut and absolutely loathe being stained and forced to enjoy the meals the Housemates have, especially when they're overly salted beans or under-cooked noodles - not my cuisines of choice, abeg. Furthermore, I’m all for the liquid courage and fun but just don’t vomit on me. It’s absolutely disrespectful and it stinks jor.  Abeg, make una free me and ban Rico Swavey from finding comfort on me when he don shayo. One more thing, if Biggie wasn’t against a good backhand slap, I’d dust the disrespect off of Miracle, Tobi and Alex for thinking it's right to fart on me.Who does that?

Gossip Mates

Although it hasn’t been smooth sailing with this bunch, it wasn’t all storms either. I’ve had the pleasure of listening to how much they loathed each other and thought of each other as fake. I’d laugh if I could. The gossip sessions are the absolute best, I mean, how do they know so much about each other? The lot is so ‘personality vigilant’ that all they see in each other are faults and imperfections. What do they say about glass houses again? How I wish I could instil a little wisdom in them.

I’ve had many offers but I will keep my job, thank you very much. Nothing like carrying the Housemates weights, watching them cry and allowing them to find solace on me. As for their ‘shoutathons’ classic. Don’t get me started on Tobi and Cee-C’s good again, bad again conversations. All in all, I’d write a book about these guys. Pity I don’t have hands.

Alex, Cee-C, Lolu, Nina, Miracle and Rico Swavey are up for Eviction. Vote for your favourite Housemate here or via SMS. Voting closes on Thursday 5 April at 21:00 WAT.  Big Brother Naija is proudly sponsored by Payporte, and is available on all DStv packages, and on GOtv Max and GOtv Plus. For more information on Big Brother Double Wahala follow us on YouTube, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.